my father

no matter how much i try not to think about this, it always does keep cropping up... i can't seem to forgive or forget... was talking to Kritika in QD's that day and all this came out and so did my tears...
y is my father the way he is? does he not realise the amount of damage he's done to me? all those years under his roof made me become such a different person as compared to maybe, Kriti, who comes from such a happy family... y cant my dad be like hers?
he's got so many lakhs selling the house... did he ever think that it was mama's and my house too... did he even offer to give us some part of the money? n it isn't about money really... it's the thought... he made himself a 57 thousand rupee gold chain... got his mother gold stuff too... did he get his wife anything??? or even his daughter? I'll bet my life on it that he doesn't even know that his daughter doesn't like gold... the yellow variety at least...
did he even ever ask me if i needed money to pay my fees for college... i don't have the money to buy "the Golden Notebook"... i keep making excuses in class that it isn't available... but what if it comes to the store? do i have the money right now to buy it? no... does my father even care to ask? no.... does it even strike him that maybe i do need money for all this? i don't think so...
it gets hard for me to forgive him when all these bitter thoughts enter my head... and yet, when i think of whether I'll be left with a guilty feeling all my life if i don't forgive him and he dies, i get scared... it eats me up inside... i forgive very easily... even if he realised... but he's too fucking busy in his own world of make believe... when i try to make him understand, he just doesn't get it... he acts like nothing's happened... it just doesn't penetrate his thick skull that we have a problem here!! what do i do? i can't tell ma about this, it'll upset her and the Lord knows that she doesn't need all that in her life after 20 years of marriage to him... Pramod can sympathize but not empathize... i have no friends who would care enough to understand or wipe the tears away when they flow so freely...
it scares me, not being able to forgive...